My life has been filled with many turns, highs, and lows. There have been moments in my life when I have felt the best and the worst. I realize that sometimes I don't like myself in situations where I am surrounded by pleasures from this world. I forgot myself, I was arrogant, I was spending money for unnecessary things, but I also don’t like myself in difficult situations. Sometimes, I get upset at myself for not succeeding more often. I said to God, "I’ve tried my best, but why is it still not enough?”
“Why did you do this to me? I have suffered enough.”
“Am I not good enough?”
“Am I so sinful that You punish me like this?”
Maybe God punished me.
I have a lot of sins and this is what I deserved.
I reached a point where I felt completely hopeless and angry. And sometimes, when things don’t go as I planned, I become furious. I blame everything, others, or even myself. I get so frustrated, overwhelmed by anxiety, and feel like a complete failure. It seemed like my prayers weren’t being heard and I began to think that Allah no longer cared for me because of my sins. But more than anything, I was desperately angry with myself.
I always believed I did everything for a reason, that I wasn't truly a bad person, but that others had pushed me to become one. Yet, I’ve come to realize that’s no excuse. You must do the right thing, even when you have a reason to do wrong, because that’s what Allah wants from us.
The doubts, the frustrations, they seemed to hover like a dark cloud, never fully leaving. I wondered how many more challenges I would face, how many more tests I would have to endure. But, in the quiet moments, I began to realize something: maybe it wasn't about whether I was "good enough." Maybe it wasn't about punishment or reward. Maybe this is His way of showing me the path to Him. The right path. Maybe he wants to see how I come back to Him.
Slowly, I started to see the wisdom behind it all. In the struggles, I found strength. In the waiting, I found patience. The more I tried to surrender to truly let go of my need to control everything, the more I began to feel a deep sense of peace. It wasn’t about understanding everything or having all the answers. It was about trust. I trust in Allah for every aspect of my life. I know He always gives me what’s best for me. He is the best of planners. And I surrender my life to Him.
Everytime i doubt myself, I'm at my worst, and I'm not happy about everything that happened, I just say..
“اِنَّ صَلَاتِيْ وَنُسُكِيْ وَمَحْيَايَ وَمَمَاتِيْ لِلّهِ رَبِّ الْعَا لَمِيْنَ”
Inna shalaatii wa nusukii wa mahyaaya wa mamaatii lillaahi rabbil aalamiina
“Indeed, my prayer, worship, life, and death are for Allah, the Lord of the Worlds”
I know that even though I wasn't always a good person, I’ve started to become better. I’ve learned tawakkal and husnudzon, though it took time for me to truly understand them. Even now, I’m far from perfect, but one thing I know for sure is that Allah always loves me. Despite my sins, He continues to give me countless chances. He protects me, and He never leaves me❤️
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